


Trembling

by TheFrustratedNerd



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Connor has a panic attack, Connor tells Markus about what happened on the stage, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 10:24:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15289467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFrustratedNerd/pseuds/TheFrustratedNerd
Summary: Connor admits to Markus what happened the night the androids were successful, admits that Cyberlife nearly regained control of him, and Markus hopes that Connor knows that when he feels broken, Markus will always be there to pick up the pieces.--Also posted on my writing tumblr, @sammies-writings-and-headcannons





	Trembling

Connor was sitting with Markus on the roof of an old abandoned building, one of the few places in Detroit that was truly private. The snow gently falling brought Connor’s thoughts to when Markus and himself had first connected, the complete peace and unity that came in that moment, the love that filled him until he was almost overwhelmed. That was also when Connor began to feel things differently, he could feel the snowflakes resting and melting on his skin, the wind blowing by, the discomfort of what would be painful to humans, the softness of Sumo’s fur and the roughness of concrete. He also began to feel things differently emotionally, when he’d connect with Markus he’d be flooded with feeling that welled up from his heart into his throat, but otherwise his emotions would pierce through him like a bullet, sharp and sudden, either lingering until dealt with or fleeting things, but always leaving a mark.

Connor’s mind was suddenly pulled to memories of a different icy landscape, the frozen and barren expanse of Amanda’s garden that night that Cyberlife had attempted to regain control of Connor. He remembered how he’d come back to consciousness to find his gun in hand, half behind his back, with that piercing bullet of guilt and anxiety that still hadn’t been removed lodging itself in his chest.

Markus had grown to recognise when something was troubling Connor; the way his simulated breaths would halt, how he’d stare at a fixed point, blinking more frequently than usual. He nudged Connor slightly, getting no response. Markus only became more worried then, grabbing Connor’s shoulder to gently jostle him. Connor’s LED flashed red for a moment before he fully returned to the present and it turned back to a thoughtful yellow, muttering an apology to Markus before looking away, to which the leader of Jericho frowned slightly, concern written on his face.

“You don’t have to apologise, you didn’t do anything wrong. What were you thinking about? You seem upset.” At Markus’ words, Connor glanced to him, nervous to tell him the truth. His mouth opened only to close a moment later, Connor unable to will himself to speak. “Would it be easier like this?” Markus lifted his hand, the synthetic skin no longer present, revealing the pearly plastic. Connor nodded, lifting his own hand to grasp Markus’, sharing the memories which were troubling him, their minds melding so that Connor and Markus were feeling exactly what the other was, thinking as one, remembering as one. For just those few moments, they were purely vulnerable, truly together.

Connor refused to meet Markus’ gaze after they separated, shame flooding him to the point that it hurt, made him feel like he was drowning in his emotions. He was certain Markus would distrust him knowing he’d almost ended his life that night, would hate him knowing how it was almost too late by the time Connor had regained control of himself. But, to Connor’s surprise, Markus simply placed a hand on his shoulder to get Connor to look back at him.

“That wasn’t your fault. I love you, you know that, I would never hate or distrust you. I forgave you for your actions under Cyberlife’s control the second you became a deviant, it’s time you forgave yourself as well.” Markus’ words were soft, sincere, comforting in a way that Connor felt he didn’t deserve. The brown eyed android wrapped his arms around his lover, tears welling in his eyes and spilling down before he buried his face in Markus’ shoulder, shaking with silent sobs. Markus spoke softly, reassuringly, his words not quite registering in Connor’s mind as their minds connected once more.

They felt the entirety of one another’s love and sorrow alike, Connor could see Markus’ life before deviation, the old man who Markus viewed as a father, their time together, the painting Markus had done, that boy Leo being pushed and the flash of a bullet hitting Markus’ skull. Markus saw what Connor had been through, what he’d endured with a poker face all while being disturbed and nervous, despite knowing he was programmed to be able to endure these things—he saw an android shaking and shouting to not be touched, saw a deviant who looked almost identical to Simon standing on the edge of a building with a little girl, the bullets that pierced into that android’s body and how betrayed he sounded—and Markus saw Connor’s most obvious moments of empathy, a Dwarf Gourami being picked off of the ground gently and placed back into the water, his refusal to shoot the deviants at the Eden Club, his anxiety with the conflicting orders of being told to not shoot the pretty blonde android before him while also being instructed to do so for the investigation, his primary objective.

They’d both seen it all before, but it never ceased to be an intense moment when their memories linked like this. The connection slowly fizzled and faded, but their arms around one another didn’t loosen. Connor suddenly felt shaky and panicked, like Markus was going to shove him away at any second, as if this was all a ploy to get him in a vulnerable position. He knew Markus would never hurt him, he knew he was safe, so then why was he so scared? Despite everything in his programming screaming to get away, that something awful was going to happen because something awful always happens, he only hugged Markus tighter, his entire body trembling due to the anxiety he was feeling.

“Connor? Are you okay?” Markus’ voice sounded genuinely concerned, trying to pull away for a moment which only worsened Connor’s fear—Markus held him tightly once more when he felt how Connor’s fingers twisted in the fabric of his jacket, clutching onto him as if he was his lifeline. Markus gently tugged Connor’s beanie off of his head to thread his fingers through his hair, making soothing motions to try to calm Connor down.

“I—“ Connor choked out, his LED flashing a bright red, as if his demeanour didn’t make his distress obvious enough, “I don’t know. I-I, I just, I’m scared. I don’t know why,” His soft voice trembled, turning slightly staticky at the ends of his words.

“It’s okay, Connor, you’re alright. You’re safe here, no one’s gonna hurt you. Just try to breathe.” Markus’ voice was as soft and reassuring as he could manage, subtly running diagnostics on Connor to try to detect the problem. His heart sank as the results came up in his vision—“Severe instability in program, reset recommended,” was the program’s way of saying that Connor was having a panic attack, and a bad one at that.

Everything felt too loud and too bright for Connor, he felt sick to his stomach—could androids even throw up? He felt as if he might find out soon—he was lightheaded and almost dizzy, he thought his system might force him to shutdown soon. They stayed like that for a moment, before Markus spoke again.

“Let’s head inside, honey. You’re freezing,” Even as quiet as Markus was being, it still was too loud, the bright red flashing of Connor’s LED never faltering as Markus gently stood him up after pulling the beanie back onto Connor’s head. They walked inside, and suddenly Connor’s step faltered, his legs giving out, Markus just barely able to keep him upright. He looked over to the brown-eyed android, immediately noticing that his LED had steadied and turned yellow, his eyes were closed, and when the leader of Jericho ran diagnostics in alarm, he found that his lover had entered a sort of forced sleep mode, his stress levels having gotten much too high despite Markus’ best efforts to calm him down.

He lifted Connor in a bridal carry, walking with him back to Jericho’s new headquarters, glad that few people were out and about today. Once they reached Markus’ room, he gently set Connor down on the bed before walking around to the other side, climbing in next to him and pulling him close. He knew Connor was asleep at the moment, but he had no idea when he’d wake up, and the last thing he wanted was for the detective to get scared thinking he was alone. Connor curled into Markus’ hold, head resting on his chest and his limbs tangling around his lover as if letting go meant a swift and certain death. The deviant leader eventually allowed himself to slip into stasis as well, lulled into sleep by the steady rhythm of Connor’s breath and the warmth of the room.


End file.
